5 Ways To End The Cycle Of Being A Perpetually Frustrated Dad
This is a story I’ve wanted to write for a while. Given my experience, it’s probably the best perspective I can give in terms of service to a community. This is my article for the dads. The frustrated, stressed, over-stimulated dads who are living lives of quiet desperation. Who feel trapped in the mindset that their feelings are invalid. This is for the dads who think that their feelings are a burden and that they must be locked deep down inside of their consciousness to fester and die. Most dads try to do everything they can to distract themselves from these frustrations to show up better for their families, but they can’t seem to break the cycle from repeating.
In this article I want to lightly touch on why I think dads are frustrated, and how we can work on re-calibrating the perspective to show up as a better fathers and husbands. As a sidenote, although this is an article for dads, please, keep reading if you’re a woman and/or a wife because there are themes that you may find helpful.
WHY? Why are so many dads frustrated, distracted, and short tempered? I believe the answer is nuanced in every single case. But as an over-arching theme, I think the role of the father has undergone a massive shift over the past two generations. The world our fathers and grandfathers were born into look drastically different than the one we’re living in today. I don’t need to go into great depth because I think you guys get the picture. The ways masculinity and femininity were divided amongst the man and woman in a relationship used to be in the form of the yin and yang. The balance was in the complementing partnership. This isn’t really the case anymore.
Now, I want to point out the change in women’s trajectory over the past 2 generations. Women have flooded the workforce and have felt an empowering growth that’s almost moving faster than mens abilities to evolve with the changes. It wasn’t that long ago that women were fighting for the right to vote, fighting for equal pay and women’s rights. We’re maybe one generation removed from all of these things taking place. Your mother can probably recollect these movements from her childhood. Is one generation adequate to undergo a massive shift in the typical family dynamic? I don’t really think so. Our masculinity is being re-defined. It was deemed absolutely necessary for all of human history, but now it’s toxic and unacceptable. I’m not trying to excuse toxic masculinity, but you can see what’s happening in the world. I think masculinity has to take on a different form in order to flourish in the modern world. It’s no longer about tribal wars, hunting to survive and being a primal male.
Masculinity is absolutely necessary. I’m not going to go on a tirade and try to feminize men at all. That would be ridiculous. What I’m trying to portray is a different balance for the modern times. It’s no longer yin and yang between the man and woman. Now, it’s more of an interpersonal balancing act between both partners. I believe that both partners are at their best, when they are balanced in their own masculine and feminine energies.
In the end, I think one of the major reasons that dads are frustrated, is due to the shift in gender roles. I think the rate at which the shift has taken place vastly outperforms any other dynamic shift in our evolution. For millennial dads, we’re currently struggling with the decreasing effectiveness and acceptance of traditional masculinity. We’re increasingly engaged in child rearing or “feminine” activities. Finally, as technology has advanced, we’re more sedentary than generations prior. To me, it’s no wonder we’re riddled with stress, anxiety and have a hard time figuring out how to navigate these changes and the feelings associated with them. We tend to distract through drinking, sports, television and “couch culture.” So, how do we speed up this evolution and end our frustrations?
Obviously, this is going to be different for each person. But it’s going to come down to a few main themes. First, you need to take a brutally honest assessment as to where you’re at in your own life. Look at your routines, habits, and take notice of when you get frustrated. How is your mood at different times of the day? Without sorting out and organizing your thoughts and emotions, you can’t really optimize your own well-being. A cluttered mind and a lack of deep focus is going to lead to frustration and stress regardless of exterior stimuli. So, stop blaming your job, your wife or your kids for frustrating you. If you don’t have a clear mind and know where you stand emotionally, that’s on you. Step one is, to take radical responsibility for coming to terms with your emotional state and how to find ways to own and work through your emotions in a healthy manner.
After you’ve come to organize your own mental closet, learning how to hold space for everyone in your family is the next phase. Now, this is of the feminine archetype, but it lends yourself to be a masculine force for your family. You have learned to deal with your emotions which gives you a greater sense for what this is going to entail for everyone in your family. Simply allowing them to safely express their feelings is how you hold space for them. This provides a level of emotional protection your family members need. A man’s job is to provide safety for his family. To protect them. This form of safety is the greatest power I’ve learned over the past year and a half. You don’t have to “fix” everyone. You don’t have to take on the burden of correcting everyone’s emotions. Just let them feel and make them know that their feelings are never a burden, they’re never wrong or “bad”. We’re partly in this situation because we’ve been made to believe that our feelings are not ok. That our feelings will be used against us or show our vulnerability. That’s what we were taught about our emotions. Don’t let your kids fall into this trap. Their emotions are ok, because you’re their dad, and you’re going to love them no matter what emotions they’re going through. When you shift from trying to fix everyone from having negative emotions and you’re just simply are there for them, you’re providing safety, confidence and self-awareness.
Third. You need to understand the domestic responsibilities and everything your wife has going on in her head. Part of being a project manager was to understand the process of a project. You had to learn how to visualize tasks before they needed to happen in order to get ahead for the project to run smoothly. Unfortunately, I never integrated this into my household. My wife took care of all of the extra-curricular things that our family needed to run smoothly. I was there to do heavy lifting, get things off the top shelf and to mow the lawn. Sound familiar? Understand the needs of your family and how you can get ahead of your wife’s moves to help lessen the load. In order to figure out where you should start, think about the things she tends to nag on you about. It’s the story of how your wife yells at you about taking the trash out or washing the dishes. She’s not mad about the trash or the dishes. She’s mad because you aren’t taking the initiative to take this off of her mental plate. If you’re constantly waiting for your wife to tell you to do things, you’re perpetuating the burden you’re putting on her. She doesn’t like busting your ass and telling you what to do. You’re showing her a lack of responsibility. She’s either going to think you don’t respect what’s on her plate or you’re too ignorant to even understand. Because it’s a lot. If you step up and take responsibility she’s going to notice. She’s going to stop nagging you. She’s going to see your shift. She’s going to feel that you’re capable of making her needs a priority. And you’re going to relieve her to the point that she can revert back to the feminine, rather than nagging you and telling you everything you need to be doing. In essence, understanding your wife’s needs and taking action to help her, will make her comfortable enough to revert back to her true feminine energy. She will respond with a greater respect and appreciation for you. And in the end, rather than being loved, men want to be respected and appreciated.
Fourth, move your body. You’re tired, go work out. You’re frustrated, go work out. You’re stressed, over stimulated, feel like shit, lacking motivation, go work out. You have the ability to shake all of these feelings out of your body through a solid workout. When you take this mental break to put yourself through hell, you’re clearing that space of frustration. You can do a 15-20 minute workout with a single kettlebell that will absolutely demolish your entire body, so you have the time. And if you tell your wife that you’re stressed and you need to go to the garage or the basement in order to break a sweat, listen to 90’s rap to let it all out, she’s going to give you that space. Now, you have to be realistic, and maybe don’t do this in the middle of a meltdown or when she’s trying to get dinner on the table. But make time to move. Make time to sweat, and learn to feel into the power you possess as a man. There is a tangible difference in my mood on the days that I don’t work out. I have a certain energy that bubbles up to the surface, and if it’s left unchecked, it’ll manifest in my own frustrations and being on edge.
Fifth and final thing to do to become a better and less frustrated dad is to learn to be intentional. You’re going to get frustrated, stressed and over-stimulated. Now that you’ve become aware of your emotions, you have to master how to feel those emotions and let them pass through your body. You have to intentionally create the space to show up for your family in a healthy way without turning your feelings off. You may need to take 30 seconds to do a breathing exercise to come back to the present moment. I would identify something that bothered me, I’d take 30 seconds to gather myself and I’d write a note down in my phone because it was a thought or emotion I needed to work through later. When everyone would go to sleep I’d journal and get to the bottom of why I was feeling that way. You’ll soon learn that your emotions aren’t the problem. The problem is allowing your emotions to negatively impact your behavior and role as a father. The problem is not recognizing these behavioral patterns and not knowing how to properly deal with them. Knowing that you can intentionally release those emotions is emotional maturity. Emotional maturity, confidence, and control are all of the masculine archetype. Just as you become intentional with your feelings, you can be intentional with your actions and how you’re showing up for your family. Live intentionally in all facets of your life. Be intentional with your parenting, with your partnership, with your diet, with your health and with your responsibilities.
To summarize these thoughts, the top 5 things I think most men need to do in order to rid themselves of the frustrated dad stigma, are as follows;
Self-Mastery. Become emotionally aware of yourself, your ego, and your own triggers.
Protection - Provide safety for your family by holding space for them to freely express their emotions.
Responsibility and Action. Learn what your wife is doing and take the load off of her. Do more to split that load 50/50 by taking action. Stop waiting for her to tell you what to do. She’s not your boss or your parent. She’s your partner.
Physical wellness. Workout. Sweat the frustrations right out of your body.
Living intentionally. Take control of your life and move with purpose. Being the best version of yourself is a choice. Intentionally make those choices every single day.
I could go on and on about this topic. Given the nuanced nature of everyone’s own situation, there are endless things to discuss. Your kids will feel the shift and feel safer and protected by your new found patience and acceptance. Your partner will take notice of your efforts and begin to appreciate and respect you on a deeper level. Learning these tactics will have ripple effects in ways that attack the root cause of most of your frustrations in your life.
And with that, please follow along, let me know if there’s anything you’d like to discuss. I’d be more than happy to go over any of these topics on a 1:1 basis. My DM’s are always open 🙏
Thanks for reading.
