Mastering Your Perception and Leading With Your Heart During The Holidays

Think of your heart as the filter for everything you encounter. In my most recent newsletter, I wrote about how to let your heart guide your perception. With a few examples and exercises, that I’d like to demonstrate how you can lead with your heart in all of your Christmas gatherings. Before we get into the exercises or examples, let’s understand what I really mean by letting your heart filter your perception. Over time, I’ve recognized that my perception is the main thing that matters in terms of my conversations with people, especially the ones closest to me. I do this because I give these people the benefit of the doubt and because it enriches the way I feel after I have these interactions.

All of the information we receive is perceived in one way or another. Once you’re aware of this, you can begin to translate the true message behind someone’s words. Some people are more adept at using language to their advantage, while others struggle. Understanding the limitations of communication is essentially an unspoken way to give your loved ones the benefit of the doubt. Staying in control of your perception, is another way to hold emotional space for your friends, your family and most importantly, yourself. This Christmas, I challenge all of you to try to put these exercises to task and let your heart be the filter for your perception when you’re gathered amongst your friends and family.  

With all of this out of the way, let’s begin this exercise by imagining we’re getting ready for that big family gathering. Give yourself 5-10 minutes to check in with yourself. This is your time to provide reassurance to yourself. Remind yourself that your truest and most authentic self is enough. It’s the version of you that everyone would prefer they have their interactions with. Your most authentic self is calm, confident and present during these interactions. In order to show up as the best version of yourself, understand that you don’t have to try to be anything at this event. You just simply have to be. Checking in, reminding yourself that you’re perfect the way you are, and setting a positive intention is how you can shape your perspective for a positive day/gathering.

Now, you’re at the party, everything is going well, and someone asks or makes a comment about your relationship status. There’s a plethora of conversations regarding your relationship status that could be triggering and send you into a defensive posture. In order to remain calm without becoming defensive is to change your interpretation of these questions. They aren’t intending to hurt your feelings, they’re just asking really personal questions. The person asking this question feels comfortable with you. They’re trying to check in on you and your happiness. They’re saying you’d be such a valuable partner in a relationship. When you translate the question into this manner, it’s much easier to respond in a state of calmness with a matter of fact answer about your relationship status. You’re unbothered, untriggered and Christmas trauma response was diverted. Whew!

For a second exercise, let’s go a step further. Maybe you’re happily married and you have been for years, and now you have small children. Another level to familial drama can be about parenting choices, comparisons and unsolicited advice. This can be particularly triggering if you have your own childhood trauma that you’re dealing with. You’re raising your children in a way to combat the very trauma that was inflicted upon you. Rather than blurt that out in defense of your parenting style, let’s filter through the heart.

Let’s give your parents (or whoever challenges your parenting style) the benefit of the doubt here. What they’re trying to say, is that they have your children’s best interest in mind. They aren’t saying you don’t care, or you’re stupid in the way you parent. They’re not trying to say you’re a bad parent. They’re trying to give you advice, whether you asked for it or not. They’re playing an active role in your children’s life. Cherish their advice, and take it with a grain of salt if you have to. If it’s way off base, and against your fundamental beliefs for how you want to raise your kids, just understand they’re not trying to offend you. You can gracefully decline their unsolicited advice without confrontation. You can set that boundary another day that isn’t in front of your entire family at Christmas. So, just let it go in one ear and out the other. If you placate their need to give advice and don’t get triggered by it everyone wins. At the end of the day, you’re going to raise your kids exactly how you see fit, it doesn’t really matter what they say. So, roll with the punches and gracefully lead the conversation in a new direction. Christmas crisis diversion part 2 is complete.

Third, and probably the hardest to not take personally, a comment about your weight. These triggers live deep within us. We’ve been inundated with the unfairness that society has put on our own body images. It’s constantly rammed down our throats on tv, in print, and on social media. It’s no wonder that we’re a society plagued with body dysmorphia. But, you shouldn’t let that creep into your home and let it get in between you and your family members this holiday season.

With that said, you’ve already come to center, and you’re not trying to be anything at this Christmas gathering. You are your best self. In that moment, acknowledge that you don’t have to excuse their comments. Also, you don’t need to explain your weight to anybody. This is the hardest to justify, because it’s so blatantly out of bounds. But, this exercise is to show how perception can save you from having something really hurt your feelings, and avoid a potential conflict. So, let’s spin this around and understand that they’re coming from a place of love. Let’s perceive their comments as an inquiry to your health. They can see that you’ve gained or lost weight, so they bring it up to make sure you’re ok. The words may be inappropriate, but when you strip it down, I believe this is what your friend or family member is acknowledging. When you take it this way, the easiest thing you can do, is to say that you’re happy and healthy and that’s all that matters to you. And just like that, our third and most invasive Christmas crisis has been diverted.

These tactics aren’t an exercise of weakness that excuse other people’s rude behavior. Quite the contrary. These exercises build strength. Getting all flustered and defensive is how hurt/weak people react. Your perception protects you from anybody trying to judge you or unknowingly bring you down. Learning how to re-direct conversations at Christmas, doesn’t mean you need to endure patterns of rude and insensitive treatment. At some point, you may need to set boundaries, or remove yourself from being involved with toxic people. The goal here, was to encourage strength and awareness for the holidays as it’s likely not the best time or place for the holidays. Lead with your heart, master your perception and everything will go just fine.

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, and make lasting memories with your loved ones throughout the holiday season. Thanks for reading. 🎅🤶🎄🎁