The Ego vs. Your Highest Self

The last time I wrote about the ego, it was last August and I wrote about my “ego death.” I wanted to bring this back into the light after the topic I wrote about in my newsletter on Monday. I posted a story on Instagram that also briefly touched on this story from my long run and how my ego showed up in full force telling me to quit pursuing my goals. In this article I’m going to lay out the details of what happened on that run and why I believe my ego showed up. I’m going to discuss my interpretation of an “ego death” vs where I currently stand with my ego after it reared its ugly head last week.

It was a cold day so I got dressed accordingly. Normally I run inside and just wear shorts and a shirt, I hadn’t braved the cold yet this year. So, I wore a performance base layer top and then a quarter zip on top of that. I wore a pair of tights that I used to wear as a base layer under my snowboard pants. They’re fairly old, but due to my lack of snowboarding, they’re still in good shape. When I was moving slowly and stretching, everything was fine. I got my guided run downloaded and set out on the road. My coaches were telling me to run at a nice and manageable pace. So, I started off at an 8:45 pace and was doing just fine. I was running through my old neighborhood and was really enjoying the fact that I was running in a comfortable, nostalgic place.

Then, I started to notice my tights weren't staying up. Maybe I should’ve worn shorts over top of them so I could’ve synched the waistband to make them stay up. Either way, I had to keep pulling them up and messing with them so I could run as comfortably as possible. Regardless of struggling to keep my pants up, I held my pace and I stayed comfortably in control. It was just annoying.

I chose a really hilly run, which added to the difficulty in the run. Around mile three, the doubt crept in. Nothing about my running should’ve given my mind the indication that I couldn’t finish, but there it was. My egoic mind was telling me I wasn’t going to make it. That I needed to scale back the pace. It was too hilly, too cold, and pulling my pants up was too hard. It would’ve been easy to just blame my pants and walk the rest of the way. When I didn’t stop, my ego attacked me viciously because I wasn’t slowing down. I wasn’t validating it, which is the only reason your ego exists, to be validated. “You’re not going to hit your goals, you’re never going to get fast enough, you aren’t built for running. Everyone you follow online is so much faster than you, just give it up!”

I was utterly shocked. When I finished my run, I sat in the parking lot and had to really reflect on what just happened. My ego is a monster. It was a reminder of the dominating force it played in my life for so long. It stopped me from believing in myself, it stopped me from pursuing my passions, and it kept me locked in a box of comfort. This is exactly what your ego wants you to do… Stay comfortable.

In August I wrote about re-wiring the way I spoke to myself. In August I believed I killed this voice in my head. What I actually did was remove the influence it had on my behavior and decision making. Last Sunday that monster inside me proved that it is very much alive and well. It has a place among the other parts of me that makes me whole. I now have a recognition of my ego. I hear it. I accept it. But it won’t stop me.

There’s polarity inside of each of us. There’s the ego and then there’s the voice of your highest self. Imagine the devil and the angel that popped up over cartoon characters’ shoulders when we were kids. One telling you to quit (because you’re uncomfortable), and the other reminding you that you can do it (because you’ll be so proud of yourself). Your ego is not your voice, rather, a small part of your being that plays a vital role. Your highest self’s voice is the one you need to follow in life because there's no regret or shame to follow when you take that route. If you succumb to your ego, that’s ok. Learn from it. The goal is to acknowledge the ego when you have those thoughts. So, the next time it shows up to stop you from pushing your own boundaries, calmly ignore its suggestions and continue being the best version of yourself.

Have a wonderful weekend and thank you for reading ✌️❤️🙏

- Jason Melvin